Unknown Feelings : My Dad Never Seems To Be Satisfied
The title explains itself clearly without doubt. Yeah, I guess every teenage has this 'phase' of over analyzing things to understands a certain matters. In this case, I've been over-analyzing my dad's behavior towards me and my brothers. One particular thing that stands out the most is that he always said to do more. More of this, more of that, more things that will benefit you in the future. He's not wrong in any means. It kinda his job to tell us what to do. But this trait sometimes gets to me a whole lot. There was one time when I did a bajillion of things and chores, and then I laid on my bed catching some breath. I wasn't aware that he's gonna come to my room. He looked at me with 'unbelievable' eyes and as I was expecting, he basically said 'stop being so useless and get your ass up'. At that point, I was so tired from things that I've done, and like any other hurt teenage do when they're furious, I cried. This is one simple example of my dad's un-satisfied-ness with me.
This goes on for so long that I had trouble identifying this un-satisfied-ness. I'm not sure at first that this trait is something that's been there all along, which I didn't noticed in the past years. But now I'm sure it is a distinct and defining personality of his. I realized it just half an hour ago.
I recently started to read books, since I had to wait for the result of my uni exam. I love reading books, since I was at elementary school. The time I had, got me thinking of what I should do in this free time. Let's start reading some books again.Then, I bought a sci-fi novel which suits my preference. Guess what, someone wasn't happy about the fact that I read a 'novel'. He said that 'it didn't suit your need'. How on earth does this guy knows what I need? It's hurtful to me that he said things like that. I love reading and he just crumbles it with a few words. He also said that 'what have you done to make yourself more worthy?'. It vigorously ripped my heart. I studied for months and he didn't seem that he understands my frustration. It's not pleasant to have so high of expectations put around your neck. I tried my best and I made it through. But he didn't let me free.
I need to distract my mind off of depressing and toxic things that my brain has produced. What if I didn't make it? What if I fail? What if I'm disappointing everyone? Those goes on over and over until sometimes I cried to make it stop. Instead of letting me stop these thoughts, pushed me more towards the edge. Into the pit of emotional and depressed state of mine. I didn't want anyone to see that part of me. It's destructive. it's hideous, it's unbearable, along with the things I hate about myself.
Is it so wrong to take my time off?
Is it so wrong to repair myself ?
Is it so wrong to be free?
This goes on for so long that I had trouble identifying this un-satisfied-ness. I'm not sure at first that this trait is something that's been there all along, which I didn't noticed in the past years. But now I'm sure it is a distinct and defining personality of his. I realized it just half an hour ago.
I recently started to read books, since I had to wait for the result of my uni exam. I love reading books, since I was at elementary school. The time I had, got me thinking of what I should do in this free time. Let's start reading some books again.Then, I bought a sci-fi novel which suits my preference. Guess what, someone wasn't happy about the fact that I read a 'novel'. He said that 'it didn't suit your need'. How on earth does this guy knows what I need? It's hurtful to me that he said things like that. I love reading and he just crumbles it with a few words. He also said that 'what have you done to make yourself more worthy?'. It vigorously ripped my heart. I studied for months and he didn't seem that he understands my frustration. It's not pleasant to have so high of expectations put around your neck. I tried my best and I made it through. But he didn't let me free.
I need to distract my mind off of depressing and toxic things that my brain has produced. What if I didn't make it? What if I fail? What if I'm disappointing everyone? Those goes on over and over until sometimes I cried to make it stop. Instead of letting me stop these thoughts, pushed me more towards the edge. Into the pit of emotional and depressed state of mine. I didn't want anyone to see that part of me. It's destructive. it's hideous, it's unbearable, along with the things I hate about myself.
Is it so wrong to take my time off?
Is it so wrong to repair myself ?
Is it so wrong to be free?
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