A Taste of My Tasteless Life : I'm Struggling And I Can't Seem To Solve It

I have so many things that I've hated from the past years and one thing I've never succeed to conquer is myself.

'Oh sure, you're now gonna talk about how you have this complex superiority and act like it's you're weakness' 

Well the weakness part is true, but the other are just too far, in fact it's the total opposite. 

As i was saying, my one true nemesis is myself. I'm not saying like it's depressive but it's equally draining my emotions. There are waves of emotions that i sometimes can't comprehend. It almost feels like the first day you got a puppy but then short after your puppy is diagnosed with some kind of cancer. It's not fun and i really really hate it.

It always started when i need to achieve some kind of ambitious goal. I will be so pumped up that i'll give whatever it takes to get there. But the problem is this ambitious side of mine had never lasted longer than, i'll say, a full week. That shows how bad and weak my will is. 

When reality hits me, my ego, procrastinating, and confident (a.k.a the worst in me) self is just telling me to lay down for a bit. I will not care to every single fucking thing that i need to do. This will continue for a while until i had a shot of that ambition and then the whole cycle started all over again.

Again it's like having a puppy and knowing that it'll die sooner or later. So it's just constant crying and blaming myself for not having the will and solution to my own problem. My ego is also a huge pain in the ass. It somehow manage to convince me that i'm good enough and that i'm gonna get through whatever's ahead with what i am. It's hard when you are so manipulative to your own self and mind. The thing is I'm easily pleased with the littlest amount of progress.While it's not a problem for some people that is ambitious in nature, it's a massive thing to deal with for people like me. Like it's not done, you're far from target and yet you feel accomplished. Wow, so competent, sarcasm intended.

Right now i'm struggling to move forward and do some studying to get to the university that i wanted since i was like 8. I know i want it so bad, but i can't seem to appease and make 'the worst in me' to empathize with my current condition. I really hope that i can find a concrete solution to this complex laziness i had within me, that i hate so much, that i wish to just disappear into thin air, or maybe some alien that needed some studies on the laziest and most incompetent person alive, sign me up.

I feel like shit and i need help.